Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

The game of golf has a million ways to frustrate and humiliate us. But we love it anyway. Why, I don’t know, but we do.

The “how to” books written about golf would fill a large library. The gadgets invented to improve your game would fill a Wal-Mart superstore. If all of them worked as well as promised, you would be shooting 18 for a round.

One little book that spoofs golf should be required reading for golfers. It really puts things in perspective. The book is called :
Mulligan’s Laws of golf by Thomas Mulligan, Fourth Earl of Murphy
A Lifetime of Golfing Wisdom from the Genius Who Invented the Do-Over.
Edited by Henry Beard, author of “The Official Exceptions to the Rules of Golf”

The book captures what most golfers have experienced. In the book, he provides bits of wisdom on several topics:
-The Game
-The Player
- Mulligan’s Etiquette
-The Match
- Mulligan’s Principles of Golf Chemistry (and physics)
-The Course
- Mulligan’s Quantum Theory of Golf Links
-The Clubs
-The Ball
-The Four Forces of Golf Ball Physics
- Mulligan’s Laws of Motion
-The Clubhouse
- The Pro Shop Laws of Supply and Demand

For your reading enjoyment and amusement, I will post what I found. In the coming days, I will post something on each of the above items… stay tuned.

First up, here is what Mulligan has to say about:
The Game

-The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental

-Error must go somewhere (e.g., If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice-cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your elbow tucked in, your head will come up.)

-It is as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

-If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

-The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit the do-over first.

-The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

-The stages of a golfer’s game are: Sudden collapse, radical change, complete frustration, slow improvement, brief mastery, and sudden collapse.

-Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.

-If you can keep your head when the wheels come off, you need a new head.

-Strokes always accumulate faster than they can be forgotten.

-Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

-One good shank deserves another

-When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

-If the wind is in your face, you swing too hard just to get the ball through it; if the wind is at your back, you swing too hard just to see how far you can get the ball to go.

-The one drive you really nail will always be hit on a hole with no carry.

-When you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be at least one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off.

-The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards right down the middle.

-The only sure way to hit a perfectly straight 260 yard drive is to decide not to go for it on a dogleg hole.

-The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

-The odds of making a hole in one are 1 in 30,000 unless:
1. You are playing alone, in which case they are 1 in 1,000
2. Your are playing alone and even with the ace, you have no chance of breaking 90, in which case they are 1 in 100
3. You are playing alone, you cannot break 90, and either you sneaked onto the course or called in sick in order to play, in which case they are 1 in 10.

-It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

-If you know you are going to have to quit before the end of a round, you will par all the remaining holes.

-You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you are three holes down with three to play.

-No golfer ever swung too slowly; no golfer ever played too fast; no golfer ever dressed too plainly.

-One birdie is a hot streak

-The putt always breaks the other way

-It’s always the caddie’s fault

ROFLMAO

Brilliant!

Next, Mulligans thoughts on:

The Player

-Never play with anyone who would question a 7 on a par 3.

-No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

-Whatever you think you are doing wrong is the one thing you are doing right.

-Any change works for three holes

-The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

-Never take lessons from your father.

-Never teach golf to your wife.

-Never play your son for money.

-The more memorable the swing thought, the more useless the information it conveys.

-Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

-The three keys to playing golf well:
1. Keep your head still.
2. Keep your stupid head still.
3. Keep your &%$#* &^%$@# stupid head still.

-When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

-If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead is still putting out, you have two options:
1. You can immediately shank a lay-up, or
2. You can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

-The less-skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

-The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game.

Mulligan’s Etiquette

-Always replace divots in the fairway and rake the footprints in the sand trap, even if you have to move your ball to do so.

-Always give faster players some reason, no matter how lame, for why you won’t let them play through.

-Never use another player’s ball on the same hole where you stole it.

-Don’t cut in on a hole if both the tee and green are occupied and there is someone in the fairway.

-Remember that it only takes a few extra seconds to pick up a wedge left on the green by a group of slower players in front of you and hurl it deep into the woods.

-The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

-The source of your latest swing fault is a recent correction.

-If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.

-There are: No little problems; No tiny changes; No small pieces of advice.

-Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

-There are no atheists in pot bunkers.

-Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

-Slow players are early risers.

-When another foursome is on the green, “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So What?” is not an apology, and “Up Yours” is not an explanation.

-Nice guys finish in the dark.

The Match

-There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

-A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

-The lower the stakes in any match, the more outrageous the behavior of its participants.

-Good sportsmanship is as essential to the game of golf as good penmanship is to stock car racing.

-The gimmie length of a putt you are entitled to take is exactly 3.14 times the length of a putt you are willing to concede.

-In any best-ball match, the smaller the significance of your partner’s putt, the greater the probability that he will sink it.

-Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast, steeply-sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to hit a wedge between putts.

-It is surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

-Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.

-Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

-If your opponent hasn’t played the course before, don’t be a spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.

-The score a player reports on any hole should always be regarded as his opening offer.

-Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind up with the honor on the next tee.

-The statue of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Mulligan’s Principles of Golf Chemistry (and physics)

-Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

-Confidence evaporates in the presence of water.

-In the heat of a match, balls tend to rise to the surface of the rough.

-It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

-No matter how much energy you expend, it is impossible to lower the stakes or raise your handicap.

-Over time, any putter can reach a temperature of absolute zero.

-If the loss is sufficiently infuriating, matter can be destroyed.

-Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

-It is not a gimmie if you are still away.

-A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop out.

-In any match, the odds of playing another hole well double after each successive well-played hole. Therefore, the odds of playing all 18 holes well are 2 to the 18th:1

-Tennis would be as difficult as golf if you only got one serve, six-love, six-love were par, you often lost a dozen balls in a single set, and every now and then you had to hit a backhand out of a tree.

-The more often your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

-The more your opponent stresses the importance of etiquette, the better the odds he will sneeze during your backswing.

-The only time you will play great golf is when you are doing everything within your power to lose to your boss.

-Whenever there is money riding on a hole, someone will appear riding on a mower.

-Never Call your shots

-Never putt a gimmie

-Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The Course

-The rake is always in the other trap.

-It is often necessary to hit a second drive to appreciate the first one.

-The worse your drive is stymied, the more perfectly it would have played on the previous hole.

-The tees are always back.

-The rough will be mown tomorrow.

-The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

-C=D/10 Where C is the number of extra clubs you need to bring for every 10 yards between your ball and the closest point to it that you can drive the cart.
-
Electric carts never die at the turn.

-It never begins to rain when you are on the 18th hole.

-It always takes at least five holes to notice that club is missing.

-On courses where the yardages are marked on sprinkler heads:
1. There will be no sprinkler head within 40 yards of your ball.
2. The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
3. While being examined, the sprinkler head will turn on.

-There are two kinds of bounces:
1. Unfair bounces and
2. Bounces just the way you meant it to play.

-Never claim that you really intended to skip the ball across the water, or stop it against a rake handle, or bang it off the top of the flagstick.

Dar,
This is a great read. Thanks