Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

The ball will never lip out of a pot bunker or burn the edge of a pond

[Stan Nehilla]

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

[tincup]

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

[Stan Nehilla]

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

[tincup]

There are four forces affecting the motion of a golf ball:
1. Gravity, which causes the ball to drop suddenly into hazards
2. Electromagnetism, which makes the ball curve sharply towards whichever of the earth's poles is closest to the Out of Bounds stakes
3. The Weak Force, which makes the ball dribble to the ladies' tee
4. The Strong Force, which propels the ball directly towards a foursome of personal injury- lawyers in the adjacent fairway

[Stan Nehilla]

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

[tincup]

Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.

The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven.

The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the time she beat me but I never cheated ."

So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard".

[Stan Nehilla]

"What is a handicapped golfer?"
"One who plays with his boss," came the reply.

[tincup]

New rules for OB

A ball that conies to rest beyond the stakes, fencing, or lines denning ground out-of-bounds may be moved back within bounds and played without penalty of either stroke or distance under the following circumstances:

1. If the ball lies just beyond the line of the out-of-bounds stakes and can be tapped, pulled, dragged, or spooned back into bounds with any conforming golf club by a player standing within bounds

2. If the ball did not travel directly out-of-bounds but bounced off or touched down safely on ground or some fixed natural feature lying within bounds at least once before crossing the out-of-bounds line

3. If the ball landed out-of-bounds but was clearly attempting to return within bounds when its progress was improperly blocked by an impediment or obstacle located out-of-bounds and hence not a legal part of the course

4. If the ball has crossed an out-of-bounds line that is not a true course boundary but rather an administrative division of the ground lying between two adjacent holes drawn so as to discourage play from an adjoining fairway, and the player states that it was not his intention to engage in such play

5. If the ball lies within a portion of the out-of-bounds area that juts or bulges outward from the general line of the out-of-bounds stakes in such a way that if one or two of the stakes were removed, the remaining stakes would form a much straighter line that would leave the place where the ball came to rest well within bounds.

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.