Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.

Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"

Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

Excuses when you just have to go play golf!

A free round of golf was included with lessons.

A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.

After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.

All the cool kids play golf.

All the executives from my company play this course.

All the pin placements are forward today.

All the TV shows are reruns.

Because I am retired.

Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing.

Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.

Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

Free beer at the turn.

Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.

Golf brings our my best competitive nature.

Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.

Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constantly.

Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.

History dictates the more I play, the better I get.

I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.

I always meet interesting people on the course.

I always play well when it rains.

I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today, so I'm going.

I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

I am sick of playing golf on my computer. I want to play for real.

I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft and sand grooved grips. I need to try it out.

I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes off your score.

I called in sick at work.

I came home from work, and a note instructed me to leave and go golfing.

I can expense it for business purposes.

I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.

I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.

I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.

I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try the real thing.

I couldn't golf when I was married, so any time is good now.

I do all my praying on the course.

I don't have a logo ball from that course.

I don't have time for the driving range, but I have time to play 18.

I enjoy driving the golf carts.

I enjoy hitting things.

I enjoy looking for my ball in the rough.

I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.

I enjoy nature.

I enjoy the peace and quiet on the course.

I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.

I enjoy wearing golf caps.

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes,the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

7. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

6. Foursomes are encouraged.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods. He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots. He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

The What If Golf Story

Golf Jokes What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now the real "what if" in this story......

What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once."

"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"

"Practice your putting."

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter?'" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

That putt had more breaks than a government job.
Brian Weis