Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. - Ben Hogan

[Stan Nehilla]

Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.'

Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'

[Stan Nehilla]

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. - Lee Trevino

[Stan Nehilla]

New Golf Rules

The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors

Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough
with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

[Stan Nehilla]

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros

[Stan Nehilla]

Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino

[Stan Nehilla]

Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say About Golf

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6.
I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

[Stan Nehilla]

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. Pete Dye

[Stan Nehilla]

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' 'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.

[Stan Nehilla]

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez