Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

[Stan Nehilla]

If only i'd hit it

At the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.

"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Low eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

[Stan Nehilla]

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[Stan Nehilla]

A scratch golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

[Stan Nehilla]

Excuses and reasons when you just have to go play golf!

A free round of golf was included with lessons.

A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.

After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.

All the cool kids play golf.

All the executives from my company play this course.

All the pin placements are forward today.

All the TV shows are reruns.

Because I am retired.

Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing.

Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.

Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

Free beer at the turn.

Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.

Golf brings our my best competitive nature.

Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.

Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constantly.

Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.

History dictates the more I play, the better I get.

I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.

I always meet interesting people on the course.

I always play well when it rains.

I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today, so I'm going.

I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

I am sick of playing golf on my computer. I want to play for real.

I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft and sand grooved grips. I need to try it out.

I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes off your score.

I called in sick at work.

I came home from work, and a note instructed me to leave and go golfing.

I can expense it for business purposes.

I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.

I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.

I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.

I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try the real thing.

I couldn't golf when I was married, so any time is good now.

I do all my praying on the course.

I don't have a logo ball from that course.

I don't have time for the driving range, but I have time to play 18.

I enjoy driving the golf carts.

I enjoy hitting things.

I enjoy looking for my ball in the rough.

I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.

I enjoy nature.

I enjoy the peace and quiet on the course.

I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.

I enjoy wearing golf caps.

[Stan Nehilla]

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,
" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

[Stan Nehilla]

My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!

[Stan Nehilla]

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!