Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

[tincup]

He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods. He followed after and found his ball - surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots. He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked: "You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the boy as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

[Stan Nehilla]

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

[tincup]

There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful girl steps from the sea, wearing a wet suit.

She says: "Would you like a cigarette?"

He replies "Sure." She peels open her wet suit, takes one from inside, lights it, and smokes he smokes it.

She goes on "Would you like a martini?"

"Sure." She peels open her wet suit a bit further. He gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit.

Then she says, with a gleam in her eye, "Would you like to play around?"

He: "I don't believe that you've got a set of golf clubs in there !"

[Stan Nehilla]

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

[tincup]

Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed. The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!" The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied. "But I won't say anything if you won't either!"

[tincup]

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.

One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, TopFlite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.

They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,

"Which one of you used the orange one ?"

[Stan Nehilla]

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

[tincup]

Fred was playing off the sixth tee at the Royal Quebec Club. The fairway of the sixth needed some skill because it ran alongside the road. But Fred sliced the ball badly and it disappeared over the hedge bordering the road.

So he put another ball down and took the penalty. He was having a beer after the game when the pro joined him in the bar. "Excuse me Fred, but was it you who sliced this ball into the road at the sixth this morning?"

"Yes, but I took the penalty." "That's as may be. But you might be interested to know that your ball hit and killed a small boy on a tricycle; the tricycle fell in the path of a Mountie on a motorcycle. He skidded and was thrown through the window of a car, killing the nun at the wheel. The car then swerved into a cement mixer which wasn't too damaged but had to veer slightly and in doing so ran into the local school bus with such an impact that it sent it flying through the window of the St Lawrence shopping centre. At last count from the hospital there are thirteen people dead and seventy-nine people seriously injured."

The golfer turned a deathly shade of white and said, "What can I do?"

"Well, you could try moving your left hand a little bit further down the shaft," the pro advised.

[Stan Nehilla]

Electric carts always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.