Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ralph replies, "I found it."

[Stan Nehilla]

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?" The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.

[tincup]

A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favourite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.

It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."
The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?"

The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.

After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"

To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologise, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!"

[Stan Nehilla]

At the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.

"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"

[tincup]

Fred and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy. On their first lay they went into the bar for a drink before the game. They ordered two whiskies and enquired:

"How much is that.'"

The barman smiled. "Are you new members?" he asked. "This your first day at the club?"

"Yes," replied Fred and Harry. "Well, it's on the house."

Then the two friends decided to lunch in the club lining room. It was a sumptuous repast after which Harry called the waitress over.

"We'd like to settle up," he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired whether hey were new members. "Yes," they told her, "we are indeed."

"And is this your first day at the club?" "Yes," they replied.

"Then, it's on the house, sirs."

Much pleased, the two decided it was time to have a game so they walked into the pro shop to buy some balls. "Give me half a dozen," Fred ordered grandly. `How much is that?"

"Are you new members, sir? Is it your first day at the club?" "Yes, yes," smiled Fred

"That will be seventy-five dollars," the pro advised.

Fred turned to Harry and whispered: "It sure ain't by the throat they got you in this club."

[tincup]

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.

We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.

"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."

[tincup]

Golfer: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

Fortune Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

Golfer: "What's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

[Stan Nehilla]

Always concede the fourth putt.

[Stan Nehilla]

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

[tincup]

The Monte Carlo golf course is famed for its glorious position high in the hills behind the town - a place of lush beauty and tranquillity unless your game is off. Charlie's game was !

Not one of his shots went right. At the eighteenth hole he made a last swipe at the ball, missed completely, and tore up about a metre of turf. He then strolled disgustedly from the tee and looked down to the blue Mediterranean. Sailing boats were to be seen gliding about hundreds of metres below.

"How," demanded Charlie, "how can anyone be expected to shoot a decent game with those infernal ships rushing back and forth."