Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practising on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement.

The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.

Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game and they continued to observe the golfer.

Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Rule Amendments

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in the scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from a nice tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Same thing for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there defying gravity. You cannot defy the law. Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics.

A putt that stops close enough to inspire such comments as "You can blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Golf Definitions

Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments

Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it

Oxymoron: An easy par-3

Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice

Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder

Rule exceptions for seniors

Provisional Provisional Ball

If a player hits a ball that he is confident he will be able to find or that he is certain remained within bounds, and he therefore decides not to hit a provisional ball, but then upon reaching the place where he knows it must lie he is nevertheless unable to find his ball or discovers to his surprise and consternation that his ball has gone deeply, totally, and indisputably out-of-bounds, that player may elect to avoid the delay of returning to the tee or some other distant point to hit a second ball from the spot where his original ball was played and instead make a powered drop and throw a ball, without any additional penalty, into whatever part of the fairway he reasonably believes a provisional ball would have come to rest had he hit one in the first place.

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf!

*A free round of golf was included with lessons.
*A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.
*After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.
*All the executives from my company play this course.
*All the pin placements are forward today.
*Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing. *Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
*Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!
*There's free beer at the turn.
*Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course
*Golf brings out my best competitive nature.
*Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.
*Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
*History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
*I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
*I always meet interesting people on the course.
*Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk
constantly.

When the Maharajah of Merchandani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and the patient was beaming.

"You saved my life," he said to the young man.

"Whatever you want shall be yours."

"It was quite simple really," protested the young surgeon.

"But I am a rich man, I insist," said the princely patient.

"Well, I'd love a new set of matched golf clubs," the young doctor admitted.

"Consider it done," came the stately reply. The surgeon forgot all about this grand promise until some weeks later when he received this cable:

HAVE YOUR CLUBS BUT SADLY ALL NOT MATCHED. FOUR DO NOT HAVE SWIMMING POOLS.

More Excuses For When You Must Play Golf!

* I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.
* I hate Nascar, and that's all that's on TV.
* I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.
* I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.
* I have a rain check from yesterday.
* I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.
* I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.
* I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.
* I practiced putting on my carpet; now I want to see if it pays off.
* I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.
* I have been taking golf vitamins to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.
* I watched the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched up.
* I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.
* I have never eagled a hole before and I feel lucky.
* I have never played a canyon course before.
* I have never played bent grass before.

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.