Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball earth flew in all directions.

"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."

"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."

Alternate Shot

A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.
His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.
The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt..
"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer.
"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!

Top Ten Signs Your Divot is Too Big

That light shooting out of the hole you made is from a miner’s helmet below.
Put it next to Charlton Heston’s toupee and you can’t tell the difference
It has more square footage than the average front yard in Hong Kong.
The Bureau of Land Management issues you a citation for environmental brutality.
A nearsighted, horny fox mounts it.
You stamp WELCOME on it and put it on your front doorstep.
There are enough worms in it to start your own bait shop.
It contains the entire hip bone of a fossilized brontosaurus.
You need a forklift to pick it up and a carpet layer to put it back.
Smack in the middle is the bloody severed head of a gopher.

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

Great Comebacks

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt that. I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "
Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"

Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before,Sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir. It's a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Judge: "Do you truly understand the seriousness of things when you swear and state an oath?"
Boy: "Do I ever, your honor! I once caddied for you!"

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It still could be; it's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"

Rule exceptions for seniors

Ball Playable in Water Hazard, but Just Not Worth It

If a player's ball comes to rest within the margins of a water hazard in a highly playable lie from which he is certain he could, if he so desired, hit a successful recovery shot with no difficulty whatsoever, but the marshy, muddy, swampy, or boggy state of the surrounding terrain makes it inevitable that in the execution of such a stroke, he himself, his clothing, or his equipment would be extensively soiled and/or soaked, or that he would be obliged to assume a stance requiring the time-consuming removal of his footgear or other elaborate preparations, he may move his ball, without penalty, to the nearest equally favourable lie inside the hazard where conditions are sufficiently dry to permit prudent, sensible, and reasonable play.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing

Bifocals

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.
When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired.
An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

Tough Round

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.
He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!
Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "