Golf Sim Clubhouse Forum

Dick brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if is friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good.

This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer, Dick says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par.

Second hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake, the 2 buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player.

So he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning, Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron".

The only time you can put the ball exactly where you want it is when you stick it in the ballwasher

The justice of the peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson. But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP's game. At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.
But the criticism didn't even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, "Judge, let's do it again sometime. If you can't find anybody else to make a foursome, I'll be glad to play with you again."
"Well that would be fine," the justice of the peace said. "How about next Saturday? I don't think any of my friends can join us, so why don't you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them."

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.
Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.
At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"
Joe looked up and said "What time?"

Golf Definitions: Numbers
A player's score after the subtraction of his or her handicap from the Gross Score is the Net Score. Adding strokes for each Mulligan yields the True Score. If whiffs and fluffs are also counted, the resulting tabulation is the Real Score. If strokes for lost balls, improved lies, and shots hit out of bounds are included as well, the grand total is the Actual Score. This number, when adjusted upward to reflect all gimme putts, becomes the Correct Score. When all the strokes made in sand traps and around obstructions are tacked on, this larger sum is the Absolute, Final, Honest-to-Goodness Score, which is usually only a halfdozen or so strokes lower than the total number of shots the player in fact made.

The more your opponent stresses the importance of etiquette, the better the odds he will sneeze during your backswing.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, sometime after the honeymoon, he was in his shed cleaning his golf clubs and polishing his golf shoes.

His wife came in and stood there in silence at the bench just watching him. After a long period of icy silence she finally says "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:

"USE THE NEW BALL..."

Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:

"TAKE A PRACTICE SWING..."

The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:

"USE THE OLD BALL."

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.
He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."