Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros

[Stan Nehilla]

On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."

[Stan Nehilla]

To The Golfer

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par".
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it choses.

It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies
Or disappears before my eyes
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up
And take a drink to ease my sorrow.
But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back...tomorrow.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfer: Hey caddie, would you wade into that pond and see if you can find my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

[Stan Nehilla]

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

[Stan Nehilla]

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[Stan Nehilla]

One good shank deserves another.

[Stan Nehilla]

If your opponent hasn’t played the course before, don’t be a
spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.

[Stan Nehilla]

Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter
is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your
woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your
head will come up.

[Stan Nehilla]

The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big
divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always
hit the do-over first.