Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

What does that mean

A rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask,

"What does that mean?"

To which the priest replied, "Not a thing if he can't play!"

[Stan Nehilla]

"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once."

"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"

"Practice your putting."

[Stan Nehilla]

The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive.

"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?"

"Golfers," Simon replied.

[Stan Nehilla]

No free tee times

The club secretary was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no time open on the course today."

"Now just a minute," the member rejoined. "What if I told you Prince Andrew and partner wanted a game. Could you find a starting time for them?"

"Yes, of course I would."

"Well, I happen to know that he's in Scotland at the moment, so we'll take his time."

[Stan Nehilla]

What's wrong with golf ?

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"

[Stan Nehilla]

You'll drive me mad

" Mildred, shut up," cried the golfer at his nagging wife. "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred, "that wouldn't be a drive. That would be a short putt."

[Stan Nehilla]

"What is a handicapped golfer?"
"One who plays with his boss," came the reply.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfing truths, sayings & cliches.



Always concede the fourth putt.

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.

Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses ?

If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto the green.

If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.

If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers for that matter.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.

No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.

Nobody ever coughs on your follow through.

Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing.

People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row.

Quote from Christy O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid me.'

Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.

Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole.

Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side.

The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.

The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.

The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.

The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.

The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.

The first time you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round.

The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be worth only $10.

The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course.

The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you.

The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.

The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.

The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.

The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.

The only downwind holes are par threes.

The people in front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing too quickly.

The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.

The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.

The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.

The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.

Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.

Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.

When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.

When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks.

When you are looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty.

When you can tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you find yourself in the midst of a visiting society.

When you drive your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic jam.

When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot.

Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind.

While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars.

Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole.

Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition.

Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice.

Your favourite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.

Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone.

Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact whom you can't afford to humiliate.

Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.

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[Stan Nehilla]

Playing with the pro

"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".

The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.

"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.

"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.

"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't"

[Stan Nehilla]

Q: Are you a scratch player?

A: I sure am - every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.