Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Obstructions - Golfers may move their balls away from or remove any artificial obstacles not part of the course such as torn and crushed hats and other discarded articles of clothing; chewed scorecards; ripped instruction books; halved golf balls; discarded golf clubs; demolished handcarts; and over turned and burning electric carts.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Official Records - The history of golf is filled with the memorable accomplishments of the game's stars, but, alas, the more humble achievements of less skilled players often go unsung. The brief list below is an attempt to rectify this unfortunate state of affairs:

SHORTEST MISSED PUTT: .83 inch, Randall P. Huggins, 9th Green, Gossiping Pines C.C., Bedham, Mass., 1977.

LONGEST SUSTAINED SCREAM: 39 seconds, Liz Yownes, 8th tee, Tallulah Lake C.C., Los Nachos, Calif., 1982

SHARPEST SHAFT BEND IN ONE MOTION: 314°, A. McNaith 14th hole, Napping River C.C., Necco, Ont., 1968

FARTHEST THROWN CLUB: 86.4 yards, B. Bob Binger, wind mill hole, Tumbleweed Putt 'n' Sup, Zeno, Tex., 1974

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

On fire - You're on fire when everything you do on the course seems to work out just as you planned.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

On the clock - Condition under which a group of slow-playing professionals is informed by tournament officials that their play will be timed to ensure it is in accordance with the rules and continued slow play will result in a penalty—a warning that usually draws a response of incredulity and disdain from the golfers. This slow play by the guys on TV is largely responsible for the five- and six-hour rounds that are so common on public golf courses today.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

On the screws - Description for a well-executed shot. In the good ol' days, when woods were made of wood, club makers fitted a plastic insert into the club face as a safeguard against premature wear. These inserts were fastened to the club with screws. When a golfer would hit a good shot, he would say, "I hit it on the screws."

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

One a side - When your sandbagging opponent insists that his handicap is two strokes higher than yours, you'll have to give him two strokes to make your match even. So you give him a stroke on the most difficult hole on each nine—one a side. Then you sit back and watch as he shoots sixty-eight.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

One-putt - To send the ball into the hole with one stroke of a putter after taking 11 shots to reach the green. See FOUR-PUTT.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Open - A tournament that is open to all players, amateur or professional, who can qualify. Big tournaments like the British and U.S. Opens are the goal of any talented golfer, but it is worth remembering that whereas in, say, tennis only 50 percent of the players in the men's singles final will lose, in golf more than 98 percent of the players in the final round of a tournament invariably fail to win.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Open the door - To misplay a shot that allows your opponent back into a hole, a match, or the tournament.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Dictionary

Oscar Brown - Nickname used by some of the funnier golfers for out of bounds, but only when their opponent hits it OB. As in "Sorry, pal, that's Oscar Brown." Time to reload.