Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

The summer day was a particularly hot one, but the Englishman who was on a golfing tour of the Continent gloried in the heat even though in Italy it had most of the locals gasping.

He was playing towards the fourth hole at Pisa's Golf and Country Club when he came across a player who was completely naked and cooling herself in the water hazard.

Being a discreet soul, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there. She took no notice.

"Er, I say, hello," he called hesitantly in case she hadn't heard his previous approach.

"Er, I believe I've taken you unawares."

"Well," came a languid reply, "you justa' putta' 'em back?"

[Stan Nehilla]

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

[tincup]

Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?

A: A man will spend 5 minutes looking for a lost golf ball

[Stan Nehilla]

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

[Stan Nehilla]

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Protection Against Double Penalty

If a brand-new, high-quality ball just removed from a sleeve, box, or carton is struck by a player from the teeing ground of any hole directly into water, deep woods, impassable terrain, or ground out-of-bounds under circumstances that appear to foreclose the possibility of its recovery, the loss of that ball shall be deemed good and sufficient punishment for any infraction of the rules, and the player may hit a second ball without assessing a stroke or incurring any further penalty.

[tincup]

Everyone turns in a 2-iron, but you can kiss that wedge good-bye

[Stan Nehilla]

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

[Stan Nehilla]

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

[tincup]

The two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.

"I mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the front lawn.

Harry leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.