Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise. They were immediately attracted to each other, and spent all their days together sunning on the deck. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. When they got back home, he immediately started asking her out.

Within just a few weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

Before I get a little box out of my pocket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I spend my weekends watching golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. Some days, that's all I can think about. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since you're being totally honest with me, I need to be totally honest with you too. Until I met you on the cruise, I had spent the past ten years being a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied........... He, paused, looked down at the table, and was silent for a moment. Nancy was afraid she had blown her chance to marry a really nice man.

Ed sat there silently, deep in serious thought, then he quickly replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Stan Nehilla]

A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst.
One of the party winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face.

He looked round distractedly and asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with a straight face. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly.
Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see.

Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout:
"Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."

[tincup]

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

[Stan Nehilla]

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.
" No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.
John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

[tincup]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and
very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are
all aghast.. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob
replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[Stan Nehilla]

The greatest thing about pro golf is there's no end to it unless you're dead. You just go from here to the Senior Tour.

Fuzzy Zoeller

[tincup]

A golfer walks into a pyschologist's office with a duck on his head, and the psychologist asks, "What can I help you with?" The duck says, "Get this guy off my a**!"

[tincup]

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river.

One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

[Stan Nehilla]

Club Selection

For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed.

Finally on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted.
"I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer.
"No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron."

So the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.

"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."

[Stan Nehilla]

Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!".