Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[bryce]

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, mocking McIlroy for his antics after hitting into a creek Sunday at the US Open:

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[Stan Nehilla]

Vision

Mac was an avid golfer his entire life.
As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.
The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle!
Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.
On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.
He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Mac asked, "Where did it go? "
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

[tincup]

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.

Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"

Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

[tincup]

Can ye see your way to letting me have a golf ball, lock?" Ian asked his old friend.

"But Ian, you said you were going to stop playing golf," said lock reluctantly handing over an old spare.

"By degrees, lock. By degrees," replied Ian pocketing the ball. "I've stopped buying balls as a first step."

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Euphemisms For Sneaking Out To Play Golf

I’m going to get some more greens in my diet.
The military needs me to test some bunker busters.
It’s time I got a grip on life.
I have to attend a seminar on anger management.
I need some R&R with Mr. Tee, ASAP.
I’m on a search for the missing links.
I have a ball to attend.
I’m going to get a shot of Vitamin G.
I’ll be taking Mr. Woods for a drive in the country.
I have to see a man about a dogleg.

[Stan Nehilla]

Great Player

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies
His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf and Dick replies,
"He's very good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"

Dick says,"Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake.The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good"

Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player .

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive into the lake to save his friend, because he's drowning,

Dick replies "No... that just means he wants a 5 iron".

[tincup]

Mulholland believed himself a superior caddie. He certainly had a superior attitude towards the man whose clubs he carried. Why only last month he had caddied for Lee Trevino, and now each time his client asked for a 5-wood, the boy would sneer,

"Lee Trevino used a 4-iron from here." And so it continued all the way around. The caddie recommended the clubs Trevino would have used and the golfer's game went rapidly from bad to worse.

Finally, at the eighteenth, there was a huge lake to cross.

"OK, know-all," said the golfer, "what would Trevino suggest here?"

"I think if Lee had come this far with you, he'd say, `Use an old ball."'

[tincup]

When you're between clubs, it's always the other club, unless it's the other other club

[Stan Nehilla]

Imaginary

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.

The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
"Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green"
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.

"You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win."
The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

[tincup]

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"