Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

The harder you try to keep your ball from landing in a particular place, the more certain it is to go there

[Stan Nehilla]

Grand Advice

Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.

Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18.
Directly after golf he attended his great, great grandson's wedding.

During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great, great grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.

After a while the young groom said "Grandfather what's it like making love when you reach your age."

And he replied, "Well, its kinda like putting with a rope."

[Stan Nehilla]

Heart Attack

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed
from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up
his shot. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said
he'd come and help you."

"The second hole? When is he coming?"
"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, stroking his putt.

"Everyone has already agreed to let him play through."

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Preaddressing the Ball

In the course of preparing to make a stroke in any place except a fair or formal hazard (see Exceptions 48 and 51), a player may take the following actions without penalty:

1. Prior to assuming his stance, a player who wishes to position himself in such a way that he can precisely determine his exact line of play by sighting along it may place his foot directly behind his ball, step solidly, and shift all his weight to that one leg, even if as an incidental consequence of this activity the turf or other ground lying immediately to the rear of his ball is compressed and the lie of his ball is elevated in relation to the surrounding area and thereby enhanced, but he may not rock back and forth from heel to toe or hop up and down unless he deems such movements essential for an accurate assessment of the distance or direction to his target

2. Before addressing his ball, a player may, solely in the interest of safe play, press his clubhead into the turf or other ground behind his ball to probe for stones, roots, sprinkler heads, pipes, or the like that might damage his club or cause him injury during his swing, and test the soundness of the shaft of his club and the secureness of the attachment of its head by repeatedly tapping it on the grass or soil, and, in order to avoid cramps and undue strain in his legs while waiting for players in front of him to pass out of range, he may temporarily lean on his club in a resting posture as he stands by his ball in readiness to hit as soon as conditions permit.

[Stan Nehilla]

Scratch

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"

"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

[tincup]

"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

[Stan Nehilla]

Heaven

Bob was trying desperately to get in 18 on a soon-to-be stormy day..
He was playing the round of his life, but as the weather grew worse, his swing on the 15th tee was awkward, resulting in a hooked drive into the trees.
His lie was a good one, but right next to a tree. He quickly approached his ball, set himself up, and right as he took the club to the top, lighting struck down from the sky catching his steel shafted 5 iron.
His friends hurried over to see that there was a large crater in the ground and no site of Bob or his clubs.
He was gone.
When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Son, we are sorry to have taken you at such an early age, however, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring your clubs that you love so dearly so that you may play all the courses of heaven which are more incredible than any course you have ever played."

The man started crying instantly, to which St. Peter replied, "I know, you have left behind many loved ones."
Bob said, "No, that's not it."
"Yes my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great career," St. Peter said.
"No, that's not it either," sobbed Bob.
St. Peter was stumped, "Well then, what could make you so unhappy, that you would cry like a three year old girl?"
Bob looked up as the tears flooded from his eyes and said, "I think I left my wedge back on the 14th green."

[tincup]

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

[Stan Nehilla]

Weather

MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows.

The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.
Finally, MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf."
"Aye," MacDuff replied. "Same time next Saturday?"
"Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."

[tincup]

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.