Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

A golfer walks into a pyschologist's office with a duck on his head, and the psychologist asks, "What can I help you with?" The duck says, "Get this guy off my a**!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.

[Stan Nehilla]

The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing at the Atlantic City Golf Club in 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time.

[Stan Nehilla]

The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today.

[tincup]

Aiming for the dead center of a bridge that crosses a creek in the middle of the fairway is seldom the high percentage shot

[Stan Nehilla]

Don't feel bad about your high handicap -80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Suicidal Shot

If a ball comes to rest in a playable but Inherently perilous lie, such as on or among roots and rocks, on hardpan, in poison ivy or oak, up against the lip of a bunker, in uncommonly thick, wet, or tangled grass, on an unusually steep slope, or in a particularly deep divot hole, a player who sincerely believes that an attempt to play it as it lies could result in substantial physical harm may take advantage of his right to a therapeutic drop and move the ball without penalty to the nearest safely playable lie. However, before doing so, he must, in a clear and convincing fashion, and using appropriate medical terminology whenever possible, specify the particular portions of his anatomy that he feels would be subject to damage, and the nature and severity of the anticipated injury.

Note: This requirement is waived if, prior to the commencement of play on the first tee, the player in question has had the foresight to notify his playing partners that he is currently suffering from one or more pre-existing physical impairments that would be seriously exacerbated by a misguided attempt to play a ball from a potentially life-threatening lie.

[Stan Nehilla]

Two Scots

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls.

He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny,"

Rabby replies "Och, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game,
ya should nee be out here"

[tincup]

No golfer ever swung too slowly; no golfer ever played too fast; no golfer ever dressed too plainly.

[Stan Nehilla]

Top Ten Signs You’re Golfing Too Much

When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter
The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?
Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife
You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.