Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfer: Would you mind wading into the pond and retrieving my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

[Stan Nehilla]

One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"

[tincup]

A vacuum is the space between your ears that becomes entirely void of matter once you set foot on a golf course.

[tincup]

Few golfers are born with a natural talent for hitting the ball, but every player is blessed with the God-given ability to throw a club.

[Stan Nehilla]

"Got any suggestions on my game, caddie?"
"Yes sir. Try laying off for thirty days."
"Then what?"
"Then quit."

[Stan Nehilla]

An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."

[tincup]

Always replace divots in the fairway and rake the footprints in the sand trap, even if you have to move your ball to do so.

[Stan Nehilla]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Junk Ball

On holes requiring that a tee shot be hit a considerable distance directly across a water hazard, a player may elect to substitute a range ball for his own ball, but this option is subject to the following restrictions:

1. If the range ball safely carries the water hazard, the player must continue to use it for the remainder of the hole and putt out with it, regardless of how flawed or misshapen it may be, unless the green of the hole in question is in plain view of the clubhouse and the range ball, by virtue of its distinct coloration or markings, is clearly identifiable as having been removed from the practice tee of the same course.

2. If, in spite of having been hit soundly and cleanly, the range ball fails to safely carry the water hazard due to a noticeable degradation of its aerodynamic potential caused by wear and tear inflicted upon it on the practice tee, the player may not claim a right of replay without penalty under the provisions of Exception 14, Noncon-forming Shot, even if the range ball makes a distinct buzzing, humming, or whirring sound when hit, unless it actually disintegrates in flight

[tincup]

The inappropriateness of attire worn by prospective players at a private or resort course increases in direct proportion to the accumulation of unsold inventory in its pro shop.