Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

The man that invented golf and said it was "fun" is the same guy that invented bagpipes and said it was "music."

[tincup]

The Four Forces of Golf Ball Physics
1. Gravity, which causes the ball to drop suddenly into hazards and deep rough.
2. Electromagnetism, which makes it curve sharply towards whichever of the earth’s poles is closest to the right side of the fairway.
3. The Weak Force, which makes it dribble to the edge of the ladies tee.
4. The Strong Force, which propels it directly toward a foursome of lawyers in the next fairway.

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

[tincup]

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

[Stan Nehilla]

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.
He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"
The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."
Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.
About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.
He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.
The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".
The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"

[Stan Nehilla]

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs.
Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"

[tincup]

Sage Advice

-Never take lessons from your father.
-Never teach golf to your wife.
-Never play your son for money.

[tincup]

The people on the green keeping staff always look like they took the job because a golf course is such a terrific place to dispose of all the bodies.

[Stan Nehilla]

At the Club's annual boardmeeting, the President was just about to finish, when one of the members stops him: "There is one more item to discuss -- the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."
"Why?" asked the President
"Last week he jumped our new secretary in the bunker at hole 9," the President was informed.
"Soo, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!!"
"Yes, but he did not rake the bunker afterwards!!"

[tincup]

Rule exceptions for seniors

Unfairway

If a player hits a long, straight drive that conies to rest on closely mown turf in the middle of a fairway, but in a severe uphill, downhill, or sidehill lie, or on a knoll, knob, mound, or mogul, or in a bowl, scoop, hollow, dell, or gully, or among any other artificially shaped terrain features created for the sole purpose of improperly penalising an impeccable shot, that player may kick or tap his ball, without penalty, to the nearest lie whose quality is more in keeping with the excellence of his shot However, no ball, no matter how purely hit or foully punished, shall be deemed eligible for placement upon a tee.