Wit & Wisdom of Golf

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Subject: Golf sign

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET WIDE APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE .WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF

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Police were called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times...just
put me down for a five."

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A golf gift given to you at Christmas by a non-golfer is always unsuitable.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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Rule exceptions for seniors

Provisional Provisional Ball

If a player hits a ball that he is confident he will be able to find or that he is certain remained within bounds, and he therefore decides not to hit a provisional ball, but then upon reaching the place where he knows it must lie he is nevertheless unable to find his ball or discovers to his surprise and consternation that his ball has gone deeply, totally, and indisputably out-of-bounds, that player may elect to avoid the delay of returning to the tee or some other distant point to hit a second ball from the spot where his original ball was played and instead make a powered drop and throw a ball, without any additional penalty, into whatever part of the fairway he reasonably believes a provisional ball would have come to rest had he hit one in the first place.

[Stan Nehilla]

For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed.

Finally on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted.
"I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer.
"No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron."

So the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.

"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."

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There are two basic rules in golf which should never be broken. Be subtle. And don't, for God's sake, try to do business with anyone who's having a bad game.
~ William Davis

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There is no movement in golf so difficult that it cannot be made even more difficult by careful study and diligent practice.

[Stan Nehilla]

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him."

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

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Etiquette - The rules of behaviour in golf. There isn't room here for a complete list, but a few of the more important ones are:

Never put tees in your nose.
Never sneeze into your glove.
Never concede a chip shot.
Never hold a ball for another player to hit.
Never practice drives against a backboard.
Never wear golf shoes to a dance.

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf Love Poem

Golf Jokes I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.