Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"

[Stan Nehilla]

The only downwind holes are par threes.

[tincup]

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

[Stan Nehilla]

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

[tincup]

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[Stan Nehilla]

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

[tincup]

If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands.
~ Gary Player

[tincup]

But in the end it's still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can't shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you've missed the point.
Payne Stewart

[Stan Nehilla]

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

[Stan Nehilla]

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.
~ Bruce Lansky