Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead

[tincup]

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

[Stan Nehilla]

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

[tincup]

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan

[Stan Nehilla]

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

[tincup]

Subject: New golf rules for Seniors!!!


In case you missed it, the USGA, in their newest Rules
of Golf Booklet, have included some new Rules that
apply specifically to Senior golfers. A Senior golfer
is defined as anyone who is over the age of 55, or who
play like they are.

Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted
and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the
distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no
penalty. The Senior should not be penalized for
uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit
the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no
place in a scientific game. The Senior must estimate
the distance the ball would have traveled if it had
not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The
missing ball is on or near the course and will
eventually be found and pocketed by someone else,
making it a stolen ball. The Senior is not to compound the
felony by charging him or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is
deemed to have dropped.
For Seniors, the law of gravity supersedes the law of
golf.

Rule 5.q

Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they
could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not
apply to balls more than three inches from the hole.
Even Seniors do not want to make a travesty of the
game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)

There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If
penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient
land, this would not occur. Senior golfers deserves an
apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as
golf balls should float. That they do not is a
technical problem that manufacturers have to correct.
Senior golfers should not be punished for
manufacturer's shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)

Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved
by purchasing new Clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially
impractical for the average Senior golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be
subtracted for using old equipment.

May your enjoyment of the game improve, as well as
your scores.

[Stan Nehilla]

My butcher and my golf game have one thing in common. They both have a slice that’s cost me a fortune.

[tincup]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

[tincup]

If there's a golf course in heaven, I hope it's like Augusta National. I just don't want an early tee time.
Gary Player