Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.

[tincup]

Golf Definitions: Hazard
A man-made obstacle on the course, either a bunker or a water hazard. It is against the rules for players to "ground" their clubs in a hazard, i.e., to allow the clubhead to touch the sand or water before making their shots. They may, however, bury their own head in their hands, strike their forehead with the base of their palms, shake their head vigorously from side to side (with or without their hand placed on their brow) and, if it does not delay the match, lightly and repeatedly tap their head against a tree.

[Stan Nehilla]

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

[tincup]

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

[SteveHorn]

Come on Dar! You know a pregnant caddie needs a pull cart.

[Stan Nehilla]

Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into a swamp. I went
in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a
little golfer on it.
-Buddy Hackett

[tincup]

Golf Definitions: Sclaff
Onomatopoetic Scottish word for a flubbed shot in which the ground is contacted before the ball is hit. The game's Celtic inventors had plenty of time to develop a rich vocabulary for golfing mishaps, such as
- a ball topped lightly into the water (firkel),
- a ball hit a short distance through dense grass (glef f ),
- a ball hit straight into the air (pooth),
- a ball hit into the woods (slessgrack),
- a ball hit into rocks (lofonnock) and
- a ball hit into other players (yebastard).

[Stan Nehilla]

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
-Don Carter, pro bowler

[tincup]

Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved." Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

[Stan Nehilla]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle.