Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[tincup]

A group of golfers were putting on the green when, all suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and then asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."

[Stan Nehilla]

It’s a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if
you’re not too choosy about which fairway.

[tincup]

Anything that can go wrong will wait to go wrong until after you leave the practice tee.

[Stan Nehilla]

There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.

[tincup]

Golf Definitions: Divot
Colourful Scottish word for the piece of turf scooped from the ground in front of the ball in the course of an iron shot. In Scotland, depending on its size, a divot is referred to as
1. a "wee tuftie" (2 " x 4 "),
2. "peg o' sward" (4 " x 6 "),
3. "snatch of haugh" (6" x 8"),
4. "fine tussock" (8" x 10"),
5. "glen" (1' x 2'),
6. "firth" (1 1/2' x 3'),
7. "loch" (2' x 4') and
8. "damned English divot" (anything larger than 8 square feet).

[Stan Nehilla]

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

[tincup]

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

[Stan Nehilla]

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.

[tincup]

The rules of behaviour in golf. There isn't room here for a complete list, but a few of the more important ones are:

Never put tees in your nose.
Never sneeze into your glove.
Never concede a chip shot.
Never hold a ball for another player to hit.
Never practice drives against a backboard.
Never wear golf shoes to a dance.

[Stan Nehilla]

Hazards attract; fairways repel.