Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.

He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot.

Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.

One dazed ant said to the other, " What are we going to do?" Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

[tincup]

The first golf bag down the chute of the airport luggage carousel belongs to a player waiting for it on another continent

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!

[tincup]

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"

[Stan Nehilla]

In my hand I hold a ball....white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh , how bland it does appear....this harmless looking little sphere....

By its size I could not guess....the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath it's spell....I've wandered through the fires of hell..

My life has not been quite the same....Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end...A fortune it has made me spend....

It has made me swear and yell and cry....I hate myself and want to die....

It promises a thing called par....If I can hit straight and far ....

To master such a tiny ball....should not be very hard at all ...

But my desires the ball refuses....and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim....to hit a tree or take a swim....

With miles of grass on which to land....it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul....if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup....and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow....but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

[tincup]

The newer the golf ball the more likely you are to lose it.

[Stan Nehilla]

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

[tincup]

If you can't outrun a golf club, don't give advice

[Stan Nehilla]

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a sin any day of the week!"

[tincup]

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."