Wit & Wisdom of Golf

[Stan Nehilla]

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones" he told the pro.

[tincup]

All forms of wildlife on a golf course are there for the express purpose of p***ing you off.

[Stan Nehilla]

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
Buddy Hackett

[tincup]

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?

A: A foursome

[Stan Nehilla]

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t ?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[tincup]

A golf pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates. Impatient and self serving, he skips line and heads right for St. Peter.

Explaining to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven.

St. Peter replies that there are no favourites in heaven and that he must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward the back of the line to wait his turn.

Just as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven.

The golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding an explanation: "I'm a scratch golfer and have been for 20 years, and have been denied immediate entry to heaven, yet you let that weekend golfer walk right in."

"Oh, that guy," replies St. Peter. "That's God. He only thinks he's a golfer."

[Stan Nehilla]

A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.
Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

[tincup]

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

[Stan Nehilla]

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"

[tincup]

Ace - A hole in one. Like an ace in a deck of cards, though not quite so common. Completion of a hole in a single stroke. The odds against this happening are about 45,000 to 1-somewhat worse than the odds of finding a brand-new ball lost in the rough (27,000 to 1) but considerably better than the odds of hitting a perfect drive off a crowded first tee (1,195,000 to 1).